Why is it that every time a b-day comes along the people directly implicated become sad?? Is it because, the b-day is a constant reminder of the past year, or the past in general, or is it because it reminds us that the end is closer with one step and sadly unavoidable??? Maybe it’s just that some of us as we grow older, we become more aware of our age, physically and psychologically, one more than the other. Could we be sad just because another year has passed and we still haven’t managed to bring to life the dreams or the projects we had in mind, and which last year we sworn that we would accomplish by b-day??

I believe there is a b-day for each major event of our life, that includes birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, baptisms, first day of school, college, university, first kiss, first love, first sex, even first tooth that fallen. If we think about it, there are a tone of b-days, each very important to us. A b-day could be even the day you visited the first foreign country, or you learned how to swim, or ski or smoke or drink… I could go on forever, but the bottom line is that the essence of B-days is what we make of it. If we choose to have one or ten, it doesn’t really matter, as long as we make them last. Every b-day is a memory that we shall always keep it in our hearts, so even if as years go by, our plans may not always see the light of realistic, we will always have another b-day to plan ahead, for it is in our nature to never give up hopping that one day all will turn out at least OK.

After my recent b-day, and the one of a close girlfriend, I just realized that in time, as we grow up, so do our presents. For example, when you’re 20 you’ll still get stuffed animals and toys, and things that you might never use, while in your late 20′s you’ll get vibrators and closes and perfumes and stuff that you will always enjoy or use.

God knows, I sure do )

So enjoy your b-day everyone, for you may have as many b-days as you wish to!!

There’s no second passing without me thinking at London, it has always been my love city. Every since I was a little girl I imagined, dreamed, fantasized about London town. England has always been my motivation for so many things, such as learning English (by myself – my school didn’t teach it back then), movies, music, culture, history, etc. It has been my fountain of knowledge. Now I just hope to be closer than ever in reaching my dream of walking the streets of London in, of course, a brand new pair of shoes . I do not know, I never did, what is so fascinating about this land that makes me sparkle every time I learn something new about it, or dream of it. Why, out of all, this is my favorite country, even though I’ve never seen it?? Sure, some may say London will disappoint me but so they said about Paris being the city of love, and other than being a beautiful city, very beautiful in some parts, since I haven’t met any romance there, I disagree. As Paris may be for some the kingdom of romance, likewise London is my minefield of love.

Since I was never happy in B-city, and how I already decided to move on, I only find it appropriate to expand my horizon to a westerly sun, close to my dreamland, hopping that the day when all my dreams come true is closer than the sad autumn.

So I say goodbye, once again, to B-city awaiting for our divorce to be finally ended.

It is unfortunate that with all those years passed I would have thought that at least the experience would make me wiser to not go into so much trouble anymore. I had a rough start this year, and somehow I still manage to continue in the same messed up sense of fucking up my life. When I was little I hoped that one day I would fly. I use to dream that I did. And it was such a powerful feeling, it made me think that one day I will rule over this world and maybe even over the universe. I never wished to be Superman though ):)) maybe Superwoman :D. I believe that if anyone would manage to fly one day as human with no wings or funny gadgets to help, that person will definitely rule over all human kind. But those are just dreams I dream to keep my head busy away from the ugly reality I live everyday. Now after all this time, all that I can do is cover my eyes when I am sad and exile myself from pain of any kind.

The problem with me is that I seem to keep a line of the same problems… Years may change, but my problems stay the same, some just change only their content.

It is funny how most of my problems start with “b”: B-city, B-day; B-man…

The town I live in, the years that pass in order to reach that one day which is a constant reminder of the fact that you only get a year plus and maybe some experience that doesn’t help much in some cases, the men in my life that even though they might have different names, they all lead to bad choices when it comes to my own good.

Somewhere on the way I seem to have forgotten all about me, how can one forget itself so bad?? What can I do to find the original version of me once and for all?? Now all I can seem to worry about is represented by nonsenses, ideas and thoughts about stupid people that hunt my days and nights. The only measures I can take in order to escape this living nightmare are those involving winning the lotto so that I could finally go to London town, the Islands, Ireland, New York, Boston, Australia, Africa, Tokyo, and back to Europe for some Mongolia, Russia and maybe even Turkey land in the end.

Once, someone told I should never stop dreaming… to bad he did.

are over and done… It is official, there is nothing that can keep me here anymore. I am done with this city and he is done with me. I am finally convinced that last autumn I took the right and correct decision when I packed my things and left for the love city. After a couple of trips back and fourth I truly believe that there is nothing alive to keep me here anymore. I practically did everything that I wanted to do (or not in some cases) here. Now I am leaving again, and I hope it’s for good this time. I now come to realize that all these trips were meant to make me understand that once the decision was taken was only a matter of time before I would come to my senses and finally take the final steps into the future. My future, my new, brand new future, full of new things, new people, new places, new opportunities, new challenges and also new disappointments, new fights, new trouble. But the bottom line is that I am in for new things. And since it will be a new road ahead, I will be needing a brand new pair which I just purchase (and I love them ).

I am committed to do all the things I love and to never back down from anything that might come in my new future. This time, I will leave nothing not finished, completed or undone.

And I know I said this sentence before, but what better way to start this new future if not with me writing about all the things I’ve never wrote before??

Until a new tomorrow… tat-ah!!

So things haven’t changed… I guess I kinda thought they wouldn’t change, but I had to try. It’s OK for a week to spend here, but more it’s like drinking death from a bottle with no end. I got still too much energy in me to spend it all getting annoyed by stupid, insignificant things that in my reality they just don’t exist or matter. I like this place in a way where they don’t appear or exist. This brings me to the final conclusion that (as somebody said) I was born to live alone. At least not with them. It is not funny that what I’ve chosen to do in life does not include them in any way, since in reality they are not even close to my future, and by God I hope they will never be. I will leave them as they are and move forward for I do not see my self drinking slow death and boredom anymore, at least not while I am still so young. I made a choice for something else for me a long time ago, and I am no going back. May it be here or there, or anywhere in this world, I have my rules, and those are the only rules I have ever obeyed. I know that blood can’t turn to water, but until it is graved that I am their blood I will keep my hope that I am not. It will make it easier to explain me being different. It is sad and lonely most of the times but I cannot help it unless I distance myself and keep on going as far as possible. So I guess it is time for the next destination.

What God put together humans just tear apart…

Yesterday I was there, today I am here… I closed the door to an era with only one day. I have no clue where this is taking me, or if it takes me anywhere at all… I don’t really like it here, I never did actually. It’s not the place or the people… I didn’t like the other place either, but that was because of the place and the people. I don’t like it here for I know it’s not my place. It will take me a little while until I will find my next destination, cause here I will definitely won’t catch many flies. That’s it for now. I have to go back to sleep, cause, like I predicted I just arrived and I got very sick (bronchitis) and I am forced to spend most of my time in bed being very sleepy all the time.

It’s going to be a long long Christmas…

I miss being alone already.

Due to the last events in the past month I finally decided to take this step. I needed a change as much as I needed to get away, to run from all this so I can find my peace. And maybe I will find it on the streets of Paris… Yes, I got one way ticket to Paris, and I say goodbye to all the things I know forever. I will miss you guys and I will go with nothing but the memories we have together. I will miss my craziness around you and your ways of supporting me over the years, but I am taking you all in my heart along the way, anywhere I will go int his world. I hope you’ll only remember my good parts, as I know I get so crazy sometimes and strong headed, impossible and obsessed of always getting my way, but that’s just the way I am and I know you love me with goods and bad, but please do remember only the good side of me. I know I was not always right but I was just living every moment to the maximum, never thinking about the consequences. After all life is like a poker game, you just need the good cards to be able to play it right.

I knew this day will come, and I chose to do it quickly so I won’t feel he pain of the change I make. I promise to think of you while I am walking in the most romantic city in the world or while I will take my walks in the forest near our place there… there are so many beautiful places there… France is a country where you should never be alone, it is such much romance in the air, in the buildings there, on the streets, in its history… only a breathe and you are in love with that feeling of wishing there was somebody by your side to enjoy the beauty of loving to love…

I was always alone there and I was always sad that I had no one by my side to enjoy the things I saw, the places I visited, everything… And I am going there sad as well but this time that place is just what I need for my sadness… I am one of those that when has a cold eats ice cream… that heals the blues with the romance in the air… It might make no sense but it does for me… I dream of those days when I will read a book in the park behind the Notre-Dame… while pidgins are filling the park around… I love travelling and i wish I will be able to travel the world, for there are so many beautiful places that I need to know, see, discover… I will only miss you but nothing else I leave behind…

Until we meet again…

Chapter V

It’s hurts so much, and I just cannot stop it. I am unable to deal with this feeling like I just lost a part of me. It is sad and hurtful. I made the move to end it as I figure out that it was not just a fling, a desire, a provocation, it was so much more… It was, it is… Love. A feeling that I would have preferred to experience it at it fullest, and not only for a moment. It’s funny, when you feel the taste of love you want more and more, you just can’t get enough, it’s like a drug for which there is no cure. I did the final move and I do not feel any better but a lot worse than before for now I am sure that we’ll never see each other again for this way is the best. There was no future in between, there was only a troubled past. Two twisted minds that once together sparked for a second and that spark made a memory that I, for one, will never end up forgetting it. It was something so beautiful that marked my existence strongly and it will take me forever to understand what happened… I am a strong woman and I get hide and play with emotions as I please… until now. Now I cannot control any part of me, my heart is deaf, my brain is stuck, my body is slow. There is no function in me to work normal. The only change I feel is when for any reason I get to think of him and the rhythm of my heart is so fast that I am afraid it will explode sometimes.

I just want my smile back…

Chapter IV – Intellectual Love

I have no idea what was in my head, maybe nothing, maybe something. It was nothing sexual to begin with, maybe just the curiosity of what it will feel like to be with someone like him. It’s curious but I do not recall what started this curiosity, but there was something that made me get so fucked up one night and just go to him and kiss him. It was quick and I remember only the surprise on his face. Then all became kind of natural… we went out, spend the night together, for like almost 2 weeks. We were good together, it felt good, like it was suppose to happen like this, there were no cheese lines, no made up stories, there was just us, for a very short time, just fun. And then, before he left we tested the last there was left to be tested, nothing out of the ordinary there except for the moment, it is true, it was fast, and we were confused perhaps for what was going to happened but that I remember… it was something else even though we had no time to explore it more. Back then I didn’t quite understood what was happening to me, why did I like this guy, and what did I like about him? Now, after all this time, I still don’t know. Was it his way of dancing with me (cause I have never met anyone to move like that with me), was it his intelligence (cause he is smart and intelligent), was his way of driving me crazy sometimes or most of the times (he was so strange with me sometimes, in a weird way that I never quite understood what it was he wanted from me), were his lips or his way of touching me, was it the way I was around him (pretty quiet and calm - for those who know me – this is something out of the ordinary), what was is that made me like him so much? I still don’t know. Somehow this man fucked up my existence and I really have no idea why or how he did it.

It’s unusual for me to like someone for what he is, I always search for flaws, of any kind just so I would get a reason not to like a man. And honestly with the kind of guys I’ve been with, was not even difficult to ditch them because of their flaws, since each one of them had a collection of defects that make me start running. Why wasn’t the same this time as well? What did he had that it made me stuck in that moment. After all this time I still haven’t fond the answer.

If it is to make a scheme of moments it will be something like this: I seek, I searched, I found, I concurred, I explored, I felt. It seems so weird to actually like somebody for what he is and not for any superficial quality he may prove to have. Maybe this is what I needed to see how it feels to actually leave nature to take its course, to never have to modify a moment or improve it since it is already perfect by itself.

But there is always something more under the cover…

Chapter III – The Storm

It breaks me down to pieces and then it gets me right up to the sky where I get to play with any planet I want. It’s like the earth stops and there is no one alive except for you and him.

In those moments, I got to forget the most important to me, so that’s when I realized that Fuck!! I’m screwed!! What is this?? Where does it taking me?? Am I nuts?? Is it going to last for only a moment or it will keep me hanging forever more?

Somebody pictured me to be a tornado that everywhere it goes, leaves traces that remain in time. I asked him: why would you say something like that? Tornadoes are not good for human kind; they destroy everything in their path. He replied: yes, but there are some people that just love tornadoes and they wait their entire life for one to come in their life. I am not sure I get what he meant to say. Maybe he was right, but then again, who is the soul mate of a tornado? And what does a tornado with a storm of emotions do?

One day I am high, the next I’m low, why does it have to be like this? Why am I a tornado? In a way he was right. I am a tornado. I get so furious sometimes that I want to destroy everything in my way just to release the pain. But then again why? Why do I enjoy living only at the extremes? Why can’t I be normal or enjoy normal feelings like others do? I am looking forward for the explanation of my twisted mind. There just has to be one.

If I am to describe some of my high moments in my life I guess I would say I had like only 3, when I actually felt something out of the ordinary. The first two times it was just for a second and I had no feelings what so ever for the persons in cause, and the third time, well, the feeling lasted more… But will it last? I don’t really think so, but that’s just the idea of this story… to see where it takes me )