Due to the last events in the past month I finally decided to take this step. I needed a change as much as I needed to get away, to run from all this so I can find my peace. And maybe I will find it on the streets of Paris… Yes, I got one way ticket to Paris, and I say goodbye to all the things I know forever. I will miss you guys and I will go with nothing but the memories we have together. I will miss my craziness around you and your ways of supporting me over the years, but I am taking you all in my heart along the way, anywhere I will go int his world. I hope you’ll only remember my good parts, as I know I get so crazy sometimes and strong headed, impossible and obsessed of always getting my way, but that’s just the way I am and I know you love me with goods and bad, but please do remember only the good side of me. I know I was not always right but I was just living every moment to the maximum, never thinking about the consequences. After all life is like a poker game, you just need the good cards to be able to play it right.

I knew this day will come, and I chose to do it quickly so I won’t feel he pain of the change I make. I promise to think of you while I am walking in the most romantic city in the world or while I will take my walks in the forest near our place there… there are so many beautiful places there… France is a country where you should never be alone, it is such much romance in the air, in the buildings there, on the streets, in its history… only a breathe and you are in love with that feeling of wishing there was somebody by your side to enjoy the beauty of loving to love…

I was always alone there and I was always sad that I had no one by my side to enjoy the things I saw, the places I visited, everything… And I am going there sad as well but this time that place is just what I need for my sadness… I am one of those that when has a cold eats ice cream… that heals the blues with the romance in the air… It might make no sense but it does for me… I dream of those days when I will read a book in the park behind the Notre-Dame… while pidgins are filling the park around… I love travelling and i wish I will be able to travel the world, for there are so many beautiful places that I need to know, see, discover… I will only miss you but nothing else I leave behind…

Until we meet again…

Chapter V

It’s hurts so much, and I just cannot stop it. I am unable to deal with this feeling like I just lost a part of me. It is sad and hurtful. I made the move to end it as I figure out that it was not just a fling, a desire, a provocation, it was so much more… It was, it is… Love. A feeling that I would have preferred to experience it at it fullest, and not only for a moment. It’s funny, when you feel the taste of love you want more and more, you just can’t get enough, it’s like a drug for which there is no cure. I did the final move and I do not feel any better but a lot worse than before for now I am sure that we’ll never see each other again for this way is the best. There was no future in between, there was only a troubled past. Two twisted minds that once together sparked for a second and that spark made a memory that I, for one, will never end up forgetting it. It was something so beautiful that marked my existence strongly and it will take me forever to understand what happened… I am a strong woman and I get hide and play with emotions as I please… until now. Now I cannot control any part of me, my heart is deaf, my brain is stuck, my body is slow. There is no function in me to work normal. The only change I feel is when for any reason I get to think of him and the rhythm of my heart is so fast that I am afraid it will explode sometimes.

I just want my smile back…

Chapter IV – Intellectual Love

I have no idea what was in my head, maybe nothing, maybe something. It was nothing sexual to begin with, maybe just the curiosity of what it will feel like to be with someone like him. It’s curious but I do not recall what started this curiosity, but there was something that made me get so fucked up one night and just go to him and kiss him. It was quick and I remember only the surprise on his face. Then all became kind of natural… we went out, spend the night together, for like almost 2 weeks. We were good together, it felt good, like it was suppose to happen like this, there were no cheese lines, no made up stories, there was just us, for a very short time, just fun. And then, before he left we tested the last there was left to be tested, nothing out of the ordinary there except for the moment, it is true, it was fast, and we were confused perhaps for what was going to happened but that I remember… it was something else even though we had no time to explore it more. Back then I didn’t quite understood what was happening to me, why did I like this guy, and what did I like about him? Now, after all this time, I still don’t know. Was it his way of dancing with me (cause I have never met anyone to move like that with me), was it his intelligence (cause he is smart and intelligent), was his way of driving me crazy sometimes or most of the times (he was so strange with me sometimes, in a weird way that I never quite understood what it was he wanted from me), were his lips or his way of touching me, was it the way I was around him (pretty quiet and calm - for those who know me – this is something out of the ordinary), what was is that made me like him so much? I still don’t know. Somehow this man fucked up my existence and I really have no idea why or how he did it.

It’s unusual for me to like someone for what he is, I always search for flaws, of any kind just so I would get a reason not to like a man. And honestly with the kind of guys I’ve been with, was not even difficult to ditch them because of their flaws, since each one of them had a collection of defects that make me start running. Why wasn’t the same this time as well? What did he had that it made me stuck in that moment. After all this time I still haven’t fond the answer.

If it is to make a scheme of moments it will be something like this: I seek, I searched, I found, I concurred, I explored, I felt. It seems so weird to actually like somebody for what he is and not for any superficial quality he may prove to have. Maybe this is what I needed to see how it feels to actually leave nature to take its course, to never have to modify a moment or improve it since it is already perfect by itself.

But there is always something more under the cover…

Chapter III – The Storm

It breaks me down to pieces and then it gets me right up to the sky where I get to play with any planet I want. It’s like the earth stops and there is no one alive except for you and him.

In those moments, I got to forget the most important to me, so that’s when I realized that Fuck!! I’m screwed!! What is this?? Where does it taking me?? Am I nuts?? Is it going to last for only a moment or it will keep me hanging forever more?

Somebody pictured me to be a tornado that everywhere it goes, leaves traces that remain in time. I asked him: why would you say something like that? Tornadoes are not good for human kind; they destroy everything in their path. He replied: yes, but there are some people that just love tornadoes and they wait their entire life for one to come in their life. I am not sure I get what he meant to say. Maybe he was right, but then again, who is the soul mate of a tornado? And what does a tornado with a storm of emotions do?

One day I am high, the next I’m low, why does it have to be like this? Why am I a tornado? In a way he was right. I am a tornado. I get so furious sometimes that I want to destroy everything in my way just to release the pain. But then again why? Why do I enjoy living only at the extremes? Why can’t I be normal or enjoy normal feelings like others do? I am looking forward for the explanation of my twisted mind. There just has to be one.

If I am to describe some of my high moments in my life I guess I would say I had like only 3, when I actually felt something out of the ordinary. The first two times it was just for a second and I had no feelings what so ever for the persons in cause, and the third time, well, the feeling lasted more… But will it last? I don’t really think so, but that’s just the idea of this story… to see where it takes me )

On 17 was born Ronnie, the first born in K’s family. He is an incredible handsome boy. Although he is only a few days old, he already knows how to smile. And he has a lot of hair. We went to see him and his mom today, to take part at the joy that a baby can bring in  a family. Being their first born child, both parents are overwhelmed with emotions and they don’t really realise what just happened. The new member of the family will soon be surrounded by a lot of love since he is lucky to have a loving and beautiful family and us, the 4 “aunts” that love him. One of the “aunts” that joined me today to the hospital was so affected by the sight of Ronnie that her knees melted. I had no idea she wishes a child so much. In spite of the fact that she is not where she is suppose to be in life, her greatest wish is to have a baby. I am not really sure that she realises what a baby means in this world. I am not sure that she is mature enough to make the fact that to raise a child you need more that will and money. You need stability and safety. You need a home as in a warm home for the baby’s soul. A child, even a baby, gets a lot of the emotion of his parents, being positive or negative ones. To raise a child in this society means to be certain that you can insure a future for him, as well as a plan for the next 18 years. I’ve seen in life a lot of young moms, mostly single, that have a hard time copping with the changes brought by a child in their life, even if that child was their highest desire. There are also those couples that have children even though they don’t love each other, some ending by divorcing and raising the child in a unhealthy environment. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, maybe I am too much of a perfectionist, but my idea of a child is when you have finally found your way in life, you’ve met your better half and together you can provide a safe and warm home for the baby. There are too many kids raised in broken homes, that live a lifetime with traumas that no one can repair and heal. There are too many kids with no parents and homes, with no food on the table or no table at all. I believe we owe it to ourselves to think twice before getting into making babies without thinking first at them and not at our selfish souls.

The fact that I was raised without a father made me tougher, stronger and maybe even a better person than I would have become if they would still be together, since they were like oil and water, but that doesn’t mean that if I would have been raised in a good and warm family I would have not became who I am today. Even more, I believe that maybe I would have gone even further then where I am now, having the support and the love of a wonderful and loving family.

Please think twice before having a baby, they are not toys, and they don’t have to pay for your mistakes just because when you should say no, you said yes. It’s better to prevent than to be sorry. Sorry does not make for a baby life.

For those happy and fortunate who were blessed with babies, I wish you all the good in the world for you deserve it!!

For the rest, be patient, life holds in store a lot of beautiful surprises if you wait long enough.

For Ronnie: You will have a beautiful life filled with lovely surprises and excitement, you will know love, and love will know you, enjoy your life as life enjoys your coming!!

Love,

Me

What is time? Where does it coming from? What does it do? When does it stop? What is its purpose?
Time is the essence of us all, it measure our life in seconds, moments, minutes, hours, years… It comes out of someones need to measure his boredom or his actions. It makes us wait, calculate, think, speed, run, wake up, sleep, it makes us robots. It never stops unfortunately, except for those lucky enough to reach the intensity of time, when a moment seems like an eternity filled with passion and pleasure. Its purpose is to calculate our life and stamp our memories with time lines.
I wonder how is it for someone that has amnesia… How time reflect his/her memories? Does it feel better to not know your past, to not remember your mistakes and errors, to not remember any feeling at all? It’s tricky I know, but I somehow believe that amnesia can be a wonderful experience for some of us. It gives you the chance of taking it from the start all over again…
Another wonder that I have about time is: why every time I have a lot of time to spare and nothing to do, I never tend to do the things I love, like paint, write, draw, re-decorate, walk in the park, listen my favourite music… I always try to find something else to do, I get extremely bored and I always look for new things to try, and when I get extremely busy all I want is to relax doing the things I love… I am a paradox of time.
Free or busy I always want the exact opposite of what I should in fact do with my time.
My perfect dream of spending my time (well I got two actually) starts on the land of an English castle riding a black horse towards the woods near a beautiful lake. I find it to be quite relaxing and peaceful.
The second one is on the beach, on a swing in front of a beautiful house with blue curtains, watching the ocean and taking the breeze in my lungs… hm… the smell of the salty water makes me feel so… good, calm, relaxed, reborn…
In my fantasy I should have 2 houses, one on the beach of a blue ocean, one on the hills, in a dark age English castle. And I would spend my holidays in islands and mountains exploring every inch of this earth…
This is what I would love to do with my time in my dreams… But then reality bites back and I only go to my fantasy world whenever I have the time… Like now… Come join me for an ice tea from Long Island on the beach tonight…
I’ll be wearing moonlight in my hair this time.

Good old dreams…

How many ways are to any one’s heart?

The comfort road?

There are some that for the comfort of their heart choose to find a person that fulfills their necessity in life and never risk on anything out of their world. Do you call that living?

The security road?

The road to security is mostly chosen by the house wives, or house men by the case. Those who never dream beyond the white fence, two kids and a dog. Where is the fun in that?

The settling road?

Is the road taken by those unable to wait or fight for what they really want. Incapable to reach their golds they settle for anyone that comes along.

The food road?

Some say that loves goes through your stomach. Let’s marry cows and pigs then!! Oh! And send them to have sex with dinosaurs ) Oh! But wait! They have food, they don’t need sex!!

The love road?

The road of those who wait a life time if necessary to reach his soul mate.
Who takes this road?? Like 2 on a million?

The money road?

Well… Here we have like trillion people on board ) Hell!! Who isn’t on this train??

The sorrow road?

It comes a time in life when tired and disappointed of the way things turned, that you just take anyone to fill you sad heart if only for a split second. Sad, but true. Don’t go anywhere around this train…

The must road?

I must be in love! I must have someone in my life like everybody else does!
I must not be lonely! Why not?? Afraid to reach your 80′s with a black cat on your lap??

The long road

This is the road that those who have no idea what they want and chose to pass by love until the final moment. And only some manage to get it back, if they are lucky. Dumb idiots!! What the fuck is you brain for??

The surprise road

I am taking this one. It might be quite a long and bumpy road but I am sure there are milk and cookies at the end of it.

There are probably many more love trains that life can offer, the most important before getting on any of them is to know where do you see yourself when you get off.

“There’s a big ocean… but there is only one blue fish…”

Good night!!

I am going fishing

Chapter II – The awakening

In your 20’s you are tempted to try, to test many things. Along the way you find those things to be useful or completely useless, but when it comes to matters of the heart testing is definitely not good to try.
I was tempted to try and test many things and as I learned with time I am not able to be consequent in keeping the same feelings for anyone in time.
But, stubborn as I am and curious by nature, I kept trying to see how it feels to feel. And it seemed that even in the hardest moments I got to keep my emotions under control. That may mean that I either haven’t found my match or I am malfunctioning. Whether is pain or joy, I tend to test them all so I would finally appreciate every emotion that a human may have in a life time. The trick is to actually feel the supreme feeling.
And here is the problem.
On many occasions I was convinced that I actually feel that spark, and in the end it was just an illusion. It’s always like this; I just can’t get to keep it all together. I either find (or even look for) flaws or just excuses to get me out of anything that may seem serious in a relationship with a man. If it’s not fun, exciting or complicated, it doesn’t get me high. Normal love it’s not my game.
In my search of the supreme feeling I end up always wanting something else.
I really hope I am not one of those impulsive creatures that today they think they are in love, they jump into commitment and after a short while they run with the speed light as far as they can go just to not face the judgment of their actions.
‘Cause that’s what I’m feeling now, I want to run and hide from the rest of the world just to have a moment of quiet and peace so I can hear myself thinking. I not curious anymore to see the end of it (I foresee it all like others before it).
I am in a constant search of that high, so I guess that normal it’s just not my playmate.
But there is a back fire to this dirty game I play. There are always two sides of the sward. So somehow it came my turn to be played.
As soon as I realized I am getting played I had a revelation: My God!! How many hearts I broke along the way? I’ve never had any regrets, any sympathy for any of them. It was not my choice to have them fallen for me. Why should I bear the heaviness of their broken hearts?
Well, it was my turn to take the heat. Or that’s what I thought for the moment. That I am finally defeated at my own game, maybe I finally get to pay for all the wrongs I did in my past and for the tears that I caused.
But then I woke up one morning again with no feelings, empty as usual with no wishes for any kind of love. I held that emptiness for a few days then I went right back in the game. Deep down in the storm of feelings that I do not wish to control so that I would enjoy them for a short while until I get over them once more. If love has any color then I might just be colorblind since I cannot separate my thoughts from my emotions when I am deep inside that storm. I cannot see if it’s love or desire, passion or just a game that I intend to play until I get bored or find another toy to break. I am an impulsive creature with no order of thoughts, with just a defense mechanism that comes out whenever I get to close to the fire.
Am I heartless? Or is it that I have no clue where I am heading to, no clear wish for my future so that I would know what I want.
Right now, I want nothing, and for many years I’ve never picture myself in a duo. Maybe it’s just not the right time, maybe time will fix everything. So I just go with the flow…

XOXO ’till the next one…

CHAPTER I – Genesis

He was exotic… I was single and crazy for new sensations. He was an asshole, I liked only assholes. He gave me what I thought I needed, I fell for an illusion.

Two years later, he came back, he called, I answered, we’ve met, I was not surprised to find him to be still an asshole and me still fallen for the asshole type. But… that day came when my feelings found my judgement and the brain cells won, leaving my heart empty and my soul disappointed by the fact that this life comes with no beautiful surprises. Even if the feeling goes away or stays under control, the memory does not erase those moments that lifted you up to the sky and made you the only one on earth for just a space second. I pick up every time the pieces of my broken heart and throw them in the back corner of my mind telling my self that it is just another experience that I must live and learn.

I take this as a lesson learned…

It’s just the Venus Atmosphere that clouds my mind and makes me fly so high and when it goes away the earth is pulling me to the ground with the light speed so hard that a heart attack looks like a walk in the park.

Will continue…