Chapter IV – Intellectual Love

I have no idea what was in my head, maybe nothing, maybe something. It was nothing sexual to begin with, maybe just the curiosity of what it will feel like to be with someone like him. It’s curious but I do not recall what started this curiosity, but there was something that made me get so fucked up one night and just go to him and kiss him. It was quick and I remember only the surprise on his face. Then all became kind of natural… we went out, spend the night together, for like almost 2 weeks. We were good together, it felt good, like it was suppose to happen like this, there were no cheese lines, no made up stories, there was just us, for a very short time, just fun. And then, before he left we tested the last there was left to be tested, nothing out of the ordinary there except for the moment, it is true, it was fast, and we were confused perhaps for what was going to happened but that I remember… it was something else even though we had no time to explore it more. Back then I didn’t quite understood what was happening to me, why did I like this guy, and what did I like about him? Now, after all this time, I still don’t know. Was it his way of dancing with me (cause I have never met anyone to move like that with me), was it his intelligence (cause he is smart and intelligent), was his way of driving me crazy sometimes or most of the times (he was so strange with me sometimes, in a weird way that I never quite understood what it was he wanted from me), were his lips or his way of touching me, was it the way I was around him (pretty quiet and calm - for those who know me – this is something out of the ordinary), what was is that made me like him so much? I still don’t know. Somehow this man fucked up my existence and I really have no idea why or how he did it.

It’s unusual for me to like someone for what he is, I always search for flaws, of any kind just so I would get a reason not to like a man. And honestly with the kind of guys I’ve been with, was not even difficult to ditch them because of their flaws, since each one of them had a collection of defects that make me start running. Why wasn’t the same this time as well? What did he had that it made me stuck in that moment. After all this time I still haven’t fond the answer.

If it is to make a scheme of moments it will be something like this: I seek, I searched, I found, I concurred, I explored, I felt. It seems so weird to actually like somebody for what he is and not for any superficial quality he may prove to have. Maybe this is what I needed to see how it feels to actually leave nature to take its course, to never have to modify a moment or improve it since it is already perfect by itself.

But there is always something more under the cover…

Chapter III – The Storm

It breaks me down to pieces and then it gets me right up to the sky where I get to play with any planet I want. It’s like the earth stops and there is no one alive except for you and him.

In those moments, I got to forget the most important to me, so that’s when I realized that Fuck!! I’m screwed!! What is this?? Where does it taking me?? Am I nuts?? Is it going to last for only a moment or it will keep me hanging forever more?

Somebody pictured me to be a tornado that everywhere it goes, leaves traces that remain in time. I asked him: why would you say something like that? Tornadoes are not good for human kind; they destroy everything in their path. He replied: yes, but there are some people that just love tornadoes and they wait their entire life for one to come in their life. I am not sure I get what he meant to say. Maybe he was right, but then again, who is the soul mate of a tornado? And what does a tornado with a storm of emotions do?

One day I am high, the next I’m low, why does it have to be like this? Why am I a tornado? In a way he was right. I am a tornado. I get so furious sometimes that I want to destroy everything in my way just to release the pain. But then again why? Why do I enjoy living only at the extremes? Why can’t I be normal or enjoy normal feelings like others do? I am looking forward for the explanation of my twisted mind. There just has to be one.

If I am to describe some of my high moments in my life I guess I would say I had like only 3, when I actually felt something out of the ordinary. The first two times it was just for a second and I had no feelings what so ever for the persons in cause, and the third time, well, the feeling lasted more… But will it last? I don’t really think so, but that’s just the idea of this story… to see where it takes me )