What God put together humans just tear apart…

In your 20’s you are tempted to try, to test many things. Along the way you find those things to be useful or completely useless, but when it comes to matters of the heart testing is definitely not good to try.
I was tempted to try and test many things and as I learned with time I am not able to be consequent in keeping the same feelings for anyone in time.
But, stubborn as I am and curious by nature, I kept trying to see how it feels to feel. And it seemed that even in the hardest moments I got to keep my emotions under control. That may mean that I either haven’t found my match or I am malfunctioning. Whether is pain or joy, I tend to test them all so I would finally appreciate every emotion that a human may have in a life time. The trick is to actually feel the supreme feeling.
And here is the problem.
On many occasions I was convinced that I actually feel that spark, and in the end it was just an illusion. It’s always like this; I just can’t get to keep it all together. I either find (or even look for) flaws or just excuses to get me out of anything that may seem serious in a relationship with a man. If it’s not fun, exciting or complicated, it doesn’t get me high. Normal love it’s not my game.
In my search of the supreme feeling I end up always wanting something else.
I really hope I am not one of those impulsive creatures that today they think they are in love, they jump into commitment and after a short while they run with the speed light as far as they can go just to not face the judgment of their actions.
‘Cause that’s what I’m feeling now, I want to run and hide from the rest of the world just to have a moment of quiet and peace so I can hear myself thinking. I not curious anymore to see the end of it (I foresee it all like others before it).
I am in a constant search of that high, so I guess that normal it’s just not my playmate.
But there is a back fire to this dirty game I play. There are always two sides of the sward. So somehow it came my turn to be played.
As soon as I realized I am getting played I had a revelation: My God!! How many hearts I broke along the way? I’ve never had any regrets, any sympathy for any of them. It was not my choice to have them fallen for me. Why should I bear the heaviness of their broken hearts?
Well, it was my turn to take the heat. Or that’s what I thought for the moment. That I am finally defeated at my own game, maybe I finally get to pay for all the wrongs I did in my past and for the tears that I caused.
But then I woke up one morning again with no feelings, empty as usual with no wishes for any kind of love. I held that emptiness for a few days then I went right back in the game. Deep down in the storm of feelings that I do not wish to control so that I would enjoy them for a short while until I get over them once more. If love has any color then I might just be colorblind since I cannot separate my thoughts from my emotions when I am deep inside that storm. I cannot see if it’s love or desire, passion or just a game that I intend to play until I get bored or find another toy to break. I am an impulsive creature with no order of thoughts, with just a defense mechanism that comes out whenever I get to close to the fire.
Am I heartless? Or is it that I have no clue where I am heading to, no clear wish for my future so that I would know what I want.
Right now, I want nothing, and for many years I’ve never picture myself in a duo. Maybe it’s just not the right time, maybe time will fix everything. So I just go with the flow…

XOXO ’till the next one…

He was exotic… I was single and crazy for new sensations. He was an asshole, I liked only assholes. He gave me what I thought I needed, I fell for an illusion.

Two years later, he came back, he called, I answered, we’ve met, I was not surprised to find him to be still an asshole and me still fallen for the asshole type. But… that day came when my feelings found my judgement and the brain cells won, leaving my heart empty and my soul disappointed by the fact that this life comes with no beautiful surprises. Even if the feeling goes away or stays under control, the memory does not erase those moments that lifted you up to the sky and made you the only one on earth for just a space second. I pick up every time the pieces of my broken heart and throw them in the back corner of my mind telling my self that it is just another experience that I must live and learn.

I take this as a lesson learned…

It’s just the Venus Atmosphere that clouds my mind and makes me fly so high and when it goes away the earth is pulling me to the ground with the light speed so hard that a heart attack looks like a walk in the park.

Will continue…